Your World Sucks
I have spent my entire life making myself small and hiding who I am for your convenience. I have uncomfortably sat silently while you’ve made fun of people with my diagnosis in front of me. I’ve smiled through you commenting on what I eat or don’t eat. I have let you use me and my brain as the butt of your jokes. I have been told that I wasn’t invited to things because “what you call ‘social anxiety’ I call ‘not good with people’.” I get treated like because I have a diagnosis I can’t make an informed decision for myself and have to answer infancitizing questions such as, “Are you sure you can eat that? Is that really a good idea? I didn’t know you could do that!’”
Enough is enough.
COVID-19 lockdown definitely comes with its own sets of problems for me. It has been particularly hard on my eating disorder and my obsessive compulsive tendencies. I have lost all faith that my country could ever become a habitable place to live and that this planet will survive for me to live out retirement if my body even lasts that long. Not that it matters, I no longer have an income or retirement anyways.
And yet, I’m a hell of a lot happier than I ever was living in your NT world and I’ll be damned if you can drag me outside my apartment to live in it again. I refuse to go back to “normal”. Normal was killing me. That is not a world I ever wanted to live in. It is not a world I’ll continue to live in.
There is a reason I stopped answering the phone calls and text messages from NT friends. It’s not that I don’t appreciate you or care about you. I know that most of you are trying to be supportive but to be quite honest after years of trying to either blend in or answer your never ending questions I’m experiencing Neurotypical Fatigue. I just can’t keep it up anymore. At some point I want to be allowed to just exist.
I am not alone in this sentiment. I have spent much of the last few months talking to other people with various other divergences and one thing we seem to have in common is that we are finding a reprieve in for once experiencing a chance to just be ourselves.
I personally have never had a problem with who I am. Yes, it comes with challenges but everyone has challenges. The only thing I have ever had a problem with is trying to exist in a world that is constantly trying to make me someone else. This lockdown has finally given me a chance to say no I won’t do it anymore. I’m not going back to the way things were. Anything I lose in that process I never had to begin with.
The problem isn’t me or other neurodivergent people. The problem is the world. It’s time we change it.
One of many fed up Neuro Divergents